apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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