after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
