You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
