Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish I could teleport
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize