took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
