I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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