I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
