why didn't you poke me back
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
