I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
