I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
