My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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