32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
