u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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