i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Randomize