Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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