If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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