i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
