I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
