I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
His nipple licking is glorious
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