i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize