Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
