If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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