Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
