after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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