woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
