I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
