I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
