I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
