im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
