As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
