Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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