So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize