yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
