so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
