my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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