also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
