Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
