I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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