Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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