Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
