So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
