I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize