Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
