Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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