a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
BRING THE BAGELS
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
