So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
