i jhust puked up my retainher.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
