I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
