i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
