I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize