A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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