I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
