How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
