i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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