god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i out mim tonsoeep
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