Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
