Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
