Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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