YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
