so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize