Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
