I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
