saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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