Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize