I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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