I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
