haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
