I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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